Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
You Might Also Like
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
oh u like geography? name every lake
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
english majors be like furthermore
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.