[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You Might Also Like
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*