Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Why are bridges so flammable.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
wow he looks just like him
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*