You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Planet of the Apps.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again