Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
🏙👨🏼
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.