Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
You Might Also Like
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake