So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Imma just leave this here…………
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.