My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Easy enough.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy