Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.