Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
i was baptized in a car wash
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.