Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
i’m sure it’s fine
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m tired tomorrow.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*