*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic