Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.