When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
he looks great for his age
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’m putting together a team
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again