I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
set yourself free xox
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE