HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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HR said no more nunchucks.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
welp
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
😂 amazing answer
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one