*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You Might Also Like
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I have a new favorite meme page
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases