Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.