Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.