Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.