Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
🙀🙀🙀😹
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?