Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.