As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.