I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Wait a second…
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.