What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
this has to be peak English
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.