I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You Might Also Like
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Denise please return my vape pen
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe