I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
That took me a moment.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no