*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Oops
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.