impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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How about daylight saves us for once
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
english majors be like furthermore
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more