Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Cutest fight ever.. 😊