When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works