doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.