[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
O Wise One….
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.