my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
A leaf blower, but for people.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.