I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me