I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
the #horror is real!
Saturday
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.