him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!