*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?