Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Selfie
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework