A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.