I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
me linking you to my twitter
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
A woman drives into a bar.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]