Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
can’t believe I got front row seats
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?