My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
😬
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You wish you had this many chins.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”