Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
You Might Also Like
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.