No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
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Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
This dude got his own movie?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Nothing.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*updates tinder bio*