*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.