American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.