My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I am, perchance
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.