How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
cat vs inanimate object
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!