*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Does this dress make me look cat?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
A small tragedy.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
For when Tinder doesn’t work
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table